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The Psychology of Attraction
On why the psychology of attraction is a social, evolutionary, physical, biological and personal process as well.
The psychology of attraction is a very intriguing topic effectively determining the laws of courtship, the rules of getting drawn to certain people, the basis of friendships and also the success of relationships. Attraction is a social, biological and evolutionary process. We are attracted to certain people due to social reasons as we may be able to establish social rapport with such individuals. When there is a reinforcement of positive social responses between certain individuals with repeated interaction, feelings of liking and lust, attraction may develop along with a sense of being comfortable with each other developing a sense of familiarity. However just as a sense of familiarity gives rise to attraction, in some cases strangeness or the urge to know someone can also lead to attraction.
Thus as far as social dimensions of attraction are concerned there are two exactly opposite reasons for which one may get attracted to another person. One of these is a sense of familiarity or feeling comfortable with the other person and the other is a feeling of mystery or strangeness that can draw us to other people and both these social reasons are equally powerful in the psychology of attraction. Attraction however happens across physical and personal dimensions as well and we get attracted to people physically again for two reasons – either because the other person looks similar to us or our family members again bringing in a sense of familiarity or because the other person looks completely different, exactly opposite to how we look and this difference attracts us. Thus if you are a woman with very feminine features, you might get attracted to men who also have soft features or to men who have extremely rough masculine facial features and body structure.
In most cases however couples end up dating someone who look similar or have similar levels of attractiveness or simply resemble family members so there is a sense of comfort or familiarity when dating the other person. This could have a narcissistic explanation as we all love ourselves first and can thus only fall in love with people who look similar. The similarity can also be on personal dimensions of taste and likings, of preferences, of race and religions and of similar social backgrounds. However sometimes a person of completely different taste, religion or background can intrigue us and let’s say these two different approaches to attraction can work equally in some people although in some others one would dominate the other. This suggests that some people are attracted to similar people and dissimilar people equally whereas some others are attracted only to similar ones. Although very few individuals get attracted to completely dissimilar people and these people would be seekers of novelty. In some cases if you are a highly artistic individual and kind of a dreamer, you might get attracted to someone more practical and if you are high strung, you would like someone calm and controlled. Although a reflection of your own self in the other is again attractive so despite differences some similar traits between individuals can lead to higher levels of attraction. It is that unconsciously we are attracted to individuals ‘who are like us but not exactly similar and who are opposite to us but not exactly opposite’. When two individuals are too similar or too different the attraction may die out as soon as it happened and does not bring about lasting relationships.
There are evolutionary reasons for which one person is considered more attractive than others and the traditional explanation is that usually men are considered attractive when they have power, wealth and social status and women are judged on the basis of their looks which represent fertility. This is because she is the one who gives birth to the progeny and he is the one who provides for them. However with changes in social structure and men and women taking up similar roles, in future women and men could be equally judged in terms of looks, youth, fertility and/or social status, success, wealth etc.
Younger women may get attracted to older men and vice versa as also older women get attracted to younger men and vice versa and this can be explained with the Oedipus and Electra complex in Freudian and Jungian psychoanalysis that explains why young men can fall in love with mother figures and young women idolize father figures. Men who are extremely attached to their mothers, may show dependence towards mature females and harbor some sort of fascination for married women in some cases. Women who have faced molestation or abuse at a younger age from male members may develop intense attraction or repulsion for similar men at a later stage in life. In some cases young men and women can develop an attraction for people who are similar to celebrities/ famous people of their choice. Sometimes these are not so constructive forms of attraction and may not lead to real love or lasting relationships. So these are best psychoanalyzed and understood so that such feelings of lust could be best channeled towards other directions.
The laws of attraction can have similar explanations in case of homosexuality, heterosexuality or bisexuality. A homosexual usually looks for similarity in the other partner because homosexuality is largely based on narcissism. A bisexual will get attracted to both similar and dissimilar individuals. Strange that it may sound, repulsion can also lead to attraction because the opposite is intriguing as well so if a person develops strong hatred or repulsion for another person of the same or opposite sex, a sexual attraction can precede or follow in some cases. This will however have more to do with complex emotions of love and hate which will require a separate discussion.
Finally how do we understand or express our attraction? This of course is the science of dating and courtship which is discussed by all dating gurus and agony aunts. However expressing attraction is a complex process although this is very important and can actually lead to the breaking or making of a relationship. In most cases, men express their attraction towards a woman more aggressively and yet indirectly by focusing on himself – he might try to show off his car or brag about his qualifications and status. Men tend to ‘internalize’, it’s always ‘me’ or the ‘I’ factor that comes first. When a man says, ‘Look I have no time, I have meetings to attend’, he is only trying to suggest, ‘Hey, I’m a big guy, I’m worth dating’. Most women will consider this sort of boasting as immature but women have their own way of suggesting that they are attracted. Usually women tend to ‘externalize’ and she doesn’t try to point out to herself but uses her dress, her style, her external appearance and sometimes flirtatious gestures directed to the man to show that she is attracted, women are sometimes more direct and obvious in their admiration. Men might scratch their head to understand why women use so much make-up or dress to impress and show off their bodies. This is because women use these tools when they are attracted. She will rather say, ‘I am free tomorrow night’ suggesting ‘Hey, I want to meet up with you’. Of course there are other traditional signs of the lover’s gaze, blushing, smiling or laughing too hard, spilling drinks or messing up, nervousness, discomfort, restlessness that all suggest signs of attraction. Usually these signs of attraction are rather unconsciously expressed suggesting changes in the brain when we are attracted. Love is explained by the physiochemical changes in our body and attraction being the first stage, some related changes also occur with enhanced hormonal activity. Attraction is thus largely a biological and psychological process expressed socially considering evolutionary perspectives and is based completely on physical and personal similarities and/or dissimilarities. The psychology of attraction can be used to understand whom we can potentially get attracted to and why and what we should do or not do (!) about it.
written by ,
saberi roy
source :
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/the-psychology-of-attraction.html
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